BABES AND BRIDES
Fran, Ellen, Charlie

ELLEN. (To Charlie.) Hello?

CHARLIE. (Ominously, not sure if he knows her or not.) Hello….

ELLEN. Don't I know you from somewhere?

CHARLIE. I would never deny it.

ELLEN. I thought so!

FRAN. (to a passing waiter) You want to hurry up with that drink, already?

ELLEN. Oh, come on ... it's not like we're in a rush ... (To Charlie.) So where do I know you from?

CHARLIE. I have no idea. I've been seeing these people all night who I don't know who the hell they are…wait a minute. OH MY GOD! I DO KNOW YOU!!

ELLEN. Well, yes, that's what I just said.

CHARLIE. You work in my office! You're Roger's secretary! I know who you ARE!!

ELLEN. ... well, I'm happy to see you, too.

CHARLIE. No, no, it's not that I'm happy to see you ..,

ELLEN. What?

CHARLIE. I mean '.' no, wait. Let me try that again. Yes, I'm happy to see you. I'm really, yes, yes, I'm happy. I'm just glad, you know, that, that I know you. At all. I've been seeing these people all night who ... they... Never mind, it's really a long story.

ELLEN. You're drunk, aren't you?

CHARLIE. DING! Point for the blonde. Want to buy a vowel?

ELLEN. So what are you doing here?

CHARLIE. You just SAlD. Getting DRUNK;

FRAN. Shhhhhhh.

CHARLIE. Am I talking too loud?? I'm sorry, that always happens. I mean, it always happens when I drink. My friends say "You talk so loud when you get drunk." So I'm drinking and it's happening. See. I'll whisper now, okay? Shhhhh...

FRAN. You also talk a lot when you're drunk.

CHARLIE. Yes, but at least now I'm talking a lot softly.

ELLEN. Well, my name's Ellen.

CHARLIE. Really?

ELLEN. Yes, really. .

CHARLIE. Oh. (HE nods his head, as if in deep understanding)

ELLEN. (After a confused pause) And, uh, this is Fran.

CHARLIE. Hi.

FRAN. Well, hi.

(Pause.)

ELLEN. What is your name?

CHARLIE. Oh, you don't know that, do you? As a matter of fact, that's why you said your name, isn't it?

FRAN. You're getting the sharp ones tonight, Ellen.

CHARLIE. Pardon me. My name's Charlie. Hi.

FRAN. Hi.

 (Pause.)

ELLEN. Fran here is an up-and-coming mumphph- (FRAN has e!bowed Ellen.)

CHARLIE. What?

ELLEN. Uh ... .I'm a secretary, what do you do?

CHARLIE. I already know what you do. You work in my office.

ELLEN. Oh yeah! I forgot. HA! So what else do you do?

CHARLIE. What else do I do? What do you mean?

ELLEN. I mean, outside of work. For instance, Fran here plays the flute.

(FRAN bangs down her glass, then smiles at Charlie.)

CHARLIE. The flute, that's nice.

FRAN. Thank you.

CHARLIE. I always wanted to take an instrument. Do something creative. Ballet.

FRAN. Ballet??

CHARLIE.'Well, not ballet, per se. It's the first creative thing that popped into my head.

ELLEN. I took ballet.

FRAN. I was about to say, you don't look like your typical ballerina. Or whatever male ballerinas are called.

CHARLIE. Uhh ... ballerinos.

FRAN. Yeah, that must be it.

ELLEN. I took ballet, too. And tap. I took them at the same time. I used to wear my tap shoes even when I practiced ballet .., isn't that funny?

CHARLIE. You took ballet, "too?" Who was the first person?

ELLEN. Well, uh, you were.

CHARLIE. Huh ...? ME?? Took ballet? (Begins to laugh.) Oh God! I, .,. can you see me in a ... (HE is drunk and uncontrollably laughing. And laughter, which is contagious, catches to FRAN.) Can you see me in a pair of lavender tights? And a tu-tu? (Improvises some quick ballet moves, humming "The Nutcracker.") La-la-la-la-la-la .,. No, no .,. (Calms down somewhat.) I don't think so. I have all the grace of a dead fish.

ELLEN. I didn't think it was that funny.

CHARLIE. (Snorts, trying to keep control.) Yeah. It was. Okay, I'm better. All right. All right. I was in Bermuda, but I'm back now.

(Silence, then FRAN hums The Nutcracker again. FRAN and CHARLIE crack up again while ELLEN just stares at them.)

FRAN. What is the matter with me? I'm not even drunk! Okay. Okay. This isn't that funny.